In those times when my biological parents were too busy fighting over petty things and have no time to talk and work things out, these two people in the photo took the role as my parents to assure me of the love and care I deserve.
I may say that my lolo and lola were the ones who really took care of me when I was young. I remember waking up seeing my lola praying the rosary in front of the altar. We always went to Cubao..Rustan's and Alimall were our favorite spots. She loves buying shoes, Chanel perfumes and lipsticks hihihi
I remember seeing her seated on her rocking chair each night while we all watched tv. And at times when I felt scared or under the weather, she'd embrace me and sing me a song with words that go like, " sleep my darling baby..."
My lolo on the other hand was just the sweetest man I've ever known. He's quite authoritative, firm and a family man. He loved my lola so much. I often see them holding hands and cuddling. I still believe how ideal of a couple they are. He wasn't very vocal with things, but he always made sure I was showered with a lot of hugs and kisses. I still remember on how he would gently stroke my forehead to check on my fever. The countless trips to the grocery where he would let me pick my confection of choice (I often picked M n M peanut). The times when he would wake me up for my 7am class... prepare hot water for my bath, cook bacon, sausages and eggs for breakfast. My lolo remains to be my ideal man up to this day. I always aim to look for a piece of my lolo in the guys I loved. Someday, I'd like to devote my life to a man similar to him. A man who would stand by me through thick and thin.. a conservative man who value his morals and knows how to keep his family intact.
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| i'll always be Lolo's little girl |
No wonder I was so devastated when he died in 1997.. only a year before I was to graduate from high school. On his death bed his last words to me were, "Magbabait ka...alagaan mo si lola" I had to hold the tears from my eyes since I didn't want to show my weakness. I wasn't prepared then. I never thought death would actually come. I just remember answering, "Lagi naman po ako mabait." These words from him became a very solid foundation for me and served as my compass right after he left. I always did my best to keep my morals intact and do things that he can be proud of. Even during the times when I feel I'm being pushed around and rejected, I had to endure them for I knew I only had to do what I think was noble. I may have lost my one and only protector in 1997, but I know that I will meet another one soon. I'm sure that my lolo is looking down at me from heaven. In times when I'm ill, he'd still show up in my dreams and also during the time when I was to break-up with my then relationship, he appeared in my dream looking so happy. Perhaps it was a sign that I wasn't really meant for that, and I was reserved for someone way way better.
A few days ago, I learned that my lola just got out of the hospital and that she's now too weak and is on a wheelchair. I was devastated with the news and got even more upset when my dad won't even allow me to at least visit her because he's afraid that his gf (i can't really call her his wife..it's just improper) will surely get furious when she sees me. It seems that her insecurity is still crippling her up to this day. For the longest time, I have been banned in my own house. My dad kept on hiding me, meeting up with me in secret because of this pathetic fear. He doesn't even have the balls to tell the world that I'm his legitimate daugther..that I too deserve to see my grandma. I'm hurting because I couldn't fulfill my promise to my lolo that I would take care of my lola at her old age.
I dunno how much time I got left. As much as I would like to at least embrace her one last time.. or just talk with her, thank her for being there when I needed love the most.. or take a photo with her, ONE LAST TIME.....
All I know is that things are really looking dim right now. I feel so upset with my dad for not being man enough to do what is right.
All I know is that things are really looking dim right now. I feel so upset with my dad for not being man enough to do what is right.
Do I always have to get used to being rejected and kept hidden from the ones I love? Sometimes I feel as if people are happier without me.. so I always have to be sent away..... =(
